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Alternate Prompts

The hyper-connected world we live in is turning into a bunch of pre-recorded voices instructing, cajoling, pleading or demanding the caller to perform certain set of tasks, in order to achieve telephone nirvana.  India as an emerging market has also adopted its variants.

I have suggestions for the businesses that record these lousy messages to amp up their game and get in your face -

Indian telecom providers -

Today's message in Marathi speaking regions for callers to a busy telco line  -
  • Apan kelela number vyasta ahee - krupaya punha try kara (line busy please call back)
    • Rephrased version - Tumhi Jackass ahat.  Kaa pan Kaa call karat ahat?  (you are an idiot for calling, btw why are you calling?)
Indian banking entities or local operations of MNC businesses -
  • Fake British Indian accent - to indicate options to callers to access their account info - today it goes - If you are a Citibank customer press 1;  and so on...
  • Rephrased - in the voice of Deena Pathak or Nirupa Roy (assuming one of them is still around and interested in doing a side gig)  -
    • Beta - yahan call karne se pehle thoda socha hota?  Number pe number kyun daba rahe ho?  Yahan baat karne ke liye koi gadha hai nahi (Kid - you could have thought twice before dialing these numbers where no one is available to answer anything?)
If all else fails there are missed calls.  Which could subsequently lead to Gabbar's voice - threatening the mis(s)er (for not answering the call and saving 3 cents) -
  • Abe O - saale phone uthaa aur ghuma number (which is retarded given nobody ghumaos anything (other than their phone itself) but it lends an air of uncouth bravado).

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